Vintage Comedy Critic Gifts

"Just two confessions. I sometimes harbored admiration for Richard Nixon, and I never found the Marx Brothers funny."

"Er – if you young people don't mind, I have a few things to do now. Perhaps you have a hotel or somewhere to go?"

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

'The village's oldest inhabitant? We did have one, but he died.'

Two men toting a dog in a carriage by foot, while the dog sticks his head out the window.

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Moscow 1917

"He reports to Grand Central Palace tomorrow."

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

Peter Cook

"It's overdosed on Parakeetamol."

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

Mr. Toots becomes particular - Diogenes also

"You can stop any time, sir. I've already told you I'm not wearing a body camera!"

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"Cassius Clay....Muhammad Ali....was one name his chatroom nickname or user name?"

'Oh yeah. He's the fastest in the west alright. The fastest out of town, at the first sight of trouble.'

The Enemy

A man selling a horse to an older lady

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

'The crepes of wrath.' 'Joad's mobile pancake store.'

"Ooops is a bit of an understatement, don't you think Cardigan?"

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

'I'll wait for Harold one more year. He hasn't crossed the finish line yet from the 1932 Olympic's marathon.'

W.C. Fields

"I hate to sound like a sergeant, Ralph, but it's ten minutes to six."

'We've been trying to ease out Old Stoney as Payroll Coordinator.'

'Ain't it great, Wally, to be over the hill and not under it!'

"Typical! - The Frobishers' have fire and the wheel..."

1874: Custer's Last Stand-Up

W.C.Fields