Vintage Comedian Gifts

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Er – if you young people don't mind, I have a few things to do now. Perhaps you have a hotel or somewhere to go?"

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

"Yours is adjustable?"

'Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!'

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

"He reports to Grand Central Palace tomorrow."

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

"It's overdosed on Parakeetamol."

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

Mr. Toots becomes particular - Diogenes also

"You can stop any time, sir. I've already told you I'm not wearing a body camera!"

'Oh yeah. He's the fastest in the west alright. The fastest out of town, at the first sight of trouble.'

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"My, it feels good to sit down."

W.C. Fields

"He's got a man cave, a work cave, and a cave cave."

"Cassius Clay....Muhammad Ali....was one name his chatroom nickname or user name?"

"I hate to sound like a sergeant, Ralph, but it's ten minutes to six."

'The crepes of wrath.' 'Joad's mobile pancake store.'

A man selling a horse to an older lady

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

'We've been trying to ease out Old Stoney as Payroll Coordinator.'

'I don't think Charlie will ever get used to these auto-mobiles.'

Gunswinger

We are downsizing due to the merger of our hunting and gathering divisions.

W.C.Fields