Unhappy Marriage Gifts

"I'm going to pick someone up at the airport. Anybody."

"I think the onset of my insanity was a cold wet day in September 1952 my wedding day..."

"Sad flick, but they found happiness at the end."

It's not that he's missing which bothers me, it's the fact he can't see how happy he's made me'

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

"I thought I was pretty clear when I said I wanted a companion, I meant a dog."

I'm not sure we can record your marriage is a depreciating asset

""Edward, when the world is through with social distancing, I won't be."

"Well, if you're out there 'slaving over a got every every day', how come you never notice the food burning?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

Rubbish husband...