Troubled Marriage Gifts

'Turbulence. That's ok, I'm used to it. I'm married.'

"It restricts my circulation and is rapidly losing its shine - that's my marriage, not the ring."

Sign your marriage is in trouble.

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Diplomacy

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'