Troubled Marriage Gifts

'Turbulence. That's ok, I'm used to it. I'm married.'

"It restricts my circulation and is rapidly losing its shine - that's my marriage, not the ring."

Sign your marriage is in trouble.

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

Diplomacy

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."