Marital Trouble Gifts

He'd often look back and wonder what went wrong. She'd catch him sometimes and call the police.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"I don't know, Dave. I just think the spark has gone from our marriage."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Diplomacy

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

Lady Justice Balances A Marriage Quarrel

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."