Marriage Woes Gifts

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Wanna talk about it?

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'Will I still be married?'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

'I get the feeling lately that some of the magic has gone out of our relationship.'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

'We don't text anymore.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

Diplomacy

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'