Marital Troubles Gifts

'You can't leave me like this Helen.....at least get me my pipe and slippers.'

"I'm selling you on eBay."

Wot's the row up the Court, Bill? Bob Smith was kissing my wife, and 'is old woman caught him.

"Wouldn't a divorce devalue our marriage?"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

I knew Joe and I were in trouble when we couldn't even agree on a marriage counselor.

Woman to husband: 'Maybe a marriage counselor could tell us what's wrong with you?'

"We would have divorced years ago if it wasn't for the children - neither of us would take them!"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'Will I still be married?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

Diplomacy

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."