Marital Issues Gifts

"My wife has decided to divorce my mother!"

My life defines 'Luck of the Irish'...My first wife left me and the second one won't.

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

'I'm always in hot water at home.'

Man to Marriage Counselor: 'All I'm asking for is a little respect.'

'You're trying to get out of this marriage, aren't you, Ed?'

'I'm glad you feel like a new man, dear...so do I!'

'Bill's not a real nurturing guy. Last week his pet rock died of neglect.'

'Guess what Stella brought over today? Did you even know half the fruit with you in that bowl?'

Man to complaints clerk: 'My dog just died and I think my wife's cheating on me.'

'Markets still very flat of course...but there has been some solid interest in my wife this last quarter.'

'Ok, I'm not lost. This is my house and that's my wife with me in bed with her.'

'Second door on the left.'

'How do you like the dog I got for my wife?'

Husband has a puppet of his wife begging for forgiveness that he uses to express his anger and frustration.

"My best friend ran away...WITHOUT my wife."

'I married her because she could cook like her mother. But it turns out she can drink like her father.'

'How can you say that I'm the cause of the breakdown of our marriage? I'm never here...'

"So it's come to this, Doreen."

"Well maybe I wouldn't need to look at those websites if you weren't so damn frigid!"

"My wife found me on a dating website...five years after we got married."

"Oh honey, what a romantic anniversary pres..."

"It's not just talking, you've started listening down to me..."

"I know your mother always said we should settle our quarrels before sleeping but maybe we could send her the bill for the attorneys..."

"I've been much happier since you persuaded my husband to stop being so paranoid and eat the meals I cooked him. May he rest in peace."

Caught in the Act

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

Infidelity in couples

"My mate is driving me to extinction!"

"My wife spurns all my advances."

"Aside from telling your daughter, 'I told you so', why are you here, Mrs. Sauer?"

"Hey, honey! I thought of something else you can put on your restraining order."

"Well, Martha, I certainly hope your Scrabble victories keep you warm at night!"