Troublesome Marriage Gifts

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

Diplomacy

"We both need to get away and unsidewind awhile."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'We don't text anymore.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'I'm sorry, but I just can't handle you being out at sea for so long.'

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

'Mr. Rock and Mrs. Hardplace are here, sir.'

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"...and what has my culinary genius conjured up to delight my taste buds tonight?"

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

"Is it a 'personal attack' if I can prove he’s an idiot?"

"I guess the honeymoon's over. My husband got me a gift card for a psychotherapist for our anniversary."

"It's not jsut that he walks upright and uses complex tools. He also makes me laugh."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'