Struggling Marriage Gifts

'I just can't keep on pretending that we've been living happily ever after!'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'We don't text anymore.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

"I guess the honeymoon's over. My husband got me a gift card for a psychotherapist for our anniversary."

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

"You're keeping something from me, aren't you?"

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

"Sorry. No refunds."

Rubbish husband...

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

"The end of my wife's rope is near"

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"