Difficult Marriage Gifts

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'Will I still be married?'

'I'm sick and tired of you and your 'get rich quick' schemes.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

'We don't text anymore.'

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Quite frankly, I've had a gut-full of all his Shakespearean drama!"

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"I guess the honeymoon's over. My husband got me a gift card for a psychotherapist for our anniversary."

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'In defense of forgetting our anniversary, I forgot we're married.'

"If you want a positive outlook, you're going to have to turn you chair around."

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'