Avoiding Unhappy Marriage Gifts

At least you didn't marry him.

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'We don't text anymore.'

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

"It's time to bring in the wax begonias and your mother."

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"The end of my wife's rope is near"

Rubbish husband...

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

"Of course being celibate, all my advice is second-hand via the internet..."

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"