Avoiding Unhappy Marriage Gifts

At least you didn't marry him.

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

'We don't text anymore.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

"Yes, ma'am, we do take reservations...and what's your husband's name?"

"It's time to bring in the wax begonias and your mother."

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

"I guess the honeymoon's over. My husband got me a gift card for a psychotherapist for our anniversary."

"I've taken the liberty of adding eight thousand dollars to your check so that, while you're stunned with disbelief, I can bang your wife."

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

"You're keeping something from me, aren't you?"

Rubbish husband...

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

"Of course being celibate, all my advice is second-hand via the internet..."

'Share your innermost feelings or the remote gets it.'

'What do you mean, you want a divorce?'

"The end of my wife's rope is near"

"Daddy, I know you gave me away, but can you take me back?"