Improving Marriage Gifts

'You'll find that communication, in a marriage, works best if you start off with a smile and a kiss.'

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Wanna talk about it?

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

Cricketer goes for marriage guidance

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

"He never takes me anywhere."

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"Well that's a load of baloney. I brought you here didn't I?"

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber with the second bathroom saved our marriage."

'He kept winking at one of the bridesmaids.'

'When you finally decided to communicate, neither of you said anything worth listening to?'

'If she's that upset about the football match we're playing in this afternoon, what's she going to be like when she hears about the darts match this evening?'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.