Marital Improvement Gifts

'During the work gap on my resume, between 2008 and 2012, I was working on my marriage.'

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"We don't talk anymore."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

Wanna talk about it?

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'King Solomon had seven hundred wives, Ed, and you just have the one. Surely you can work out your differences.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'Will I still be married?'

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

"When did you first notice your wife was missing?"

'You mean you DON'T accede to his every whim!?'

How's your marriage working out? I'm considering the foreign legion...but I doubt whether they'll take her.

Pastor to couple: 'It is more blessed to forgive than to receive.'

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."