Marital Improvement Gifts

'During the work gap on my resume, between 2008 and 2012, I was working on my marriage.'

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

"We don't talk anymore."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Wanna talk about it?

'King Solomon had seven hundred wives, Ed, and you just have the one. Surely you can work out your differences.'

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'Will I still be married?'

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

How's your marriage working out? I'm considering the foreign legion...but I doubt whether they'll take her.

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"