Marital Experience Gifts

'It wasn't MY fault - I was just being me, whereas you were being YOU!'

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Wanna talk about it?

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

"Yes dear, you have worked very hard on the garden. Unfortunately though, you've put the compost on the weeds and the weed killer on my best roses."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'There's an app you can program to delete your trash? I've had one for years called Dave.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"It's only fair. He has a man cave."

'Will I still be married?'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

"George is fluent in two languages. English and total nonsense."

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

An old man and women are driving along with a 'Still married' sign on their car.

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'