Married Life Gifts

The Post-Menopause early warning system.

'We need to talk....' - 'Oh no.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

'Why is it that laxatives always look like crap going in?'

'You're such a good listener, Rodney, I like that in a man!'

'There are just some things I'd rather not say in front of the dog.'

'I give him one sleeping pill at night and another when he wakes up.'

'It's one of my many talents. I can not talk and not listen at the same time.'

'Sorry, Roger. I never know when my restless leg syndrome is going to act up.'

After he'd had enough to drink, Bill's belly made a handy footstool.

'Communication's the key to getting along with Alvin - As long as we avoid any everything's fine.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

"I've noticed you've taken to wearing a lab coat lately. May I ask the reason why?"

"They seem like nice folks, but they really stick to themselves!"

'If my 'Honey-Do' list annoys you, wait till you see my 'Honey-Don't.'

'I'm not ashamed to be married to you, but if the other geeks saw I married a beautiful woman, I'd lose my geek status.'

"I lost 5 pounds and you didn't even notice!"

The last argument - Did not/Did too.

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'

'Rex and I have been married for 3 years, but it feels more like 21.'

'Why do you never change these things out when they're empty? They're not an infinite scroll.'

"It's the Queen of the Jungle. She wants you to pick up some wildebeest on the way home."

'Instead of me fending for myself at home, can't I come here and share your meals at the hospital?'

"My concession speech will be brief. You win."

'You've done this just to get out of doing the dishes, haven't you George?'

'Yesterday, when you smiled at me in that cute way of yours and said 'You can be a real jerk,' was that just an observation or were you giving me permission?'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Sorry, your accident insurance doesn't cover you forgetting your twenty second wedding anniversary."

"My wife's an angel."

'Just as I thought...you can't collect on the life insurance by boring me to death.'

'I'm not that concerned about my prostate ... I'm still trying to survive my wife's menopause.'

"Forget prostrate trouble...I may not make it through my wife's menopause!"

The Eternal Consequence for Men Not Putting the Seat Down...

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."