Married Life Gifts

The Post-Menopause early warning system.

'We need to talk....' - 'Oh no.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

'You're such a good listener, Rodney, I like that in a man!'

'Why is it that laxatives always look like crap going in?'

'There are just some things I'd rather not say in front of the dog.'

'I give him one sleeping pill at night and another when he wakes up.'

'It's one of my many talents. I can not talk and not listen at the same time.'

'Communication's the key to getting along with Alvin - As long as we avoid any everything's fine.'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"I've noticed you've taken to wearing a lab coat lately. May I ask the reason why?"

"They seem like nice folks, but they really stick to themselves!"

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

'If my 'Honey-Do' list annoys you, wait till you see my 'Honey-Don't.'

After he'd had enough to drink, Bill's belly made a handy footstool.

'I'm not ashamed to be married to you, but if the other geeks saw I married a beautiful woman, I'd lose my geek status.'

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."

'Why do you never change these things out when they're empty? They're not an infinite scroll.'

"I had the strangest dream that something I said was right."

"My concession speech will be brief. You win."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"My wife has gone away for a few days."

'Instead of me fending for myself at home, can't I come here and share your meals at the hospital?'

The last argument - Did not/Did too.

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'

'Rex and I have been married for 3 years, but it feels more like 21.'

"Sorry, your accident insurance doesn't cover you forgetting your twenty second wedding anniversary."

'Yesterday, when you smiled at me in that cute way of yours and said 'You can be a real jerk,' was that just an observation or were you giving me permission?'

"My wife's an angel."

'Just as I thought...you can't collect on the life insurance by boring me to death.'

"I lost 5 pounds and you didn't even notice!"

"It's the Queen of the Jungle. She wants you to pick up some wildebeest on the way home."

"Forget prostrate trouble...I may not make it through my wife's menopause!"

'You've done this just to get out of doing the dishes, haven't you George?'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"