Marriage Gifts

Scenes from a successful marriage.

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

"I'm sorry dear - I've lost the little ball down the little hole again."

(I'm tasting berries with deep earth overtones and a definite hint of almond) (That would be the Cyanide.)

"Mind if I put on the game?"

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

Frankenstein's Reading Light

How to understand your wife...

"If I die first, you should remarry. If you die first, I'll get a dog."

'You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.' 'I didn't expect to live this long.'

"I'm not trying to change you—I'm trying to enhance you."

"It's like you haven't heard a single thing I've thought."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

Recycling husband.

Tradition v. Reality: 'My client agrees to 'love', but needs clarification on 'honor', and 'obey' is a deal-breaker...'

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

The End is Near...You Wish.

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'Answer me one question, would you?' 'O.K.' 'Do you still love me?' 'That's two!'

"OK, you can have another spin - but only 'cause it's your birthday."

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"You have superior extra ocular muscle strength - how often do you roll your eyes at your husband?"

"Honey, wake up! I just remembered something you did that annoyed the hell out of me!"

Rev. Bob, The Realist: '...You may now go from adoring to criticizing each other.'

"Look at you! Breaking out the good sweatpants today."

'Subject to contract, will you be my wife?'

"If you don't need anything, I'm going to shut down my emotions for the night."

"Of course I care about how you imagined I thought you perceived I wanted you to feel."

'Heads I do, tails I'm outta here.'

'I feel like I just don't know you anymore, Richard!'

"Dear, what would you say to the idea of bringing more ethnic and gender diversity into our marriage?"