Marriage Improvement Gifts

'My marriage improved since I don't wake up grouchy in the morning. I let him sleep till noon.'

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

'We're OK now thanks: Ralph is not an Alpha Male anymore, he has more time for me and the family...'

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Wanna talk about it?

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

An old man and women are driving along with a 'Still married' sign on their car.

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

'I think both of you are always too busy: You don't talk anymore...'

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Can I call you back, I'm engaged in crisis talks."

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

"He never takes me anywhere."

'We don't text anymore.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

"I'm starting to believe that this relationship was doomed from the start...!"

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"Well that's a load of baloney. I brought you here didn't I?"

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

"They're going through a bitter marriage."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."