Marriage Expert Gifts

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

'My wife will be here soon, she's just giving her boyfriend a goodbye kiss.'

"It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'I do, but resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.'

'…and this is Harold - my appetite suppressant.'

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

Best Orgasms.

What is acrimonious Divorce

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Jim and I split all the decision making. He makes all the bad ones.'

"Is that true what he says Pauline? That you've unfriended your husband on Facebook?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"...until death do you a favor."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

Wedding disaster #27.