Marriage Consultant Gifts

"Well, my wife would be angry too if I was spending more money on make-up than she was."

"Two weeks after our marriage it turned out that she is 50% polyester...the bitch! I'm allergic to polyester! Man, never marry a sock puppet..."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Try Mediation

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

'Great Therapy!'

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"...until death do you a favor."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"We don't talk anymore."