Marriage Counselor Gifts

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

'If you want to save your marriage, tell each other you're sorry.' 'Youre sorry!'

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

The End is Near...You Wish.

"What do you mean we don't communicate? I texted you last week."

'We're only staying together for the kids we hope to have one day.'

'You have to learn how to communicate. Buy a pair of texting mobile phones and use them.'

"Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a chance to piss each other off."

"No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement."

'We are communicating better, but we are still not out of the woods.'

"I don't hate him because he's black. I hate him because he's my husband."

'And if my marriage counseling doesn't help, you'll be please to learn I'm also a divorce attorney!'

Relate 'She's got all the faults, yet I'm the one who's over-critical'

"Look at you—folding the laundry two days before couples therapy."

"Oh, there's nothing really wrong with our marriage. We'd just like to figure out a way to monetize it."

"He said 'Tomato.' I said, 'Did you just say something?' He said, 'Nevermind.' I said, 'No—WHAT?' He said, 'Skip it.' I said, 'For God's sake, just spit it out.' He said, '..."

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

Marriage counselor reading the newspaper: 'Try to listen to each other more. It won't be easy. You're not very interesting.'

'Really? My goodness, you learn something new every day in this job!'

"Go ahead. Tell me your troubles. I promise to say 'Awww' in all the right places."

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

'You forgave her for that last week. When you forgive and forget you're not allowed to forget you forgave.'

'Our marriage is built on trust and understanding - I don't trust her and she doesn't understand me.'

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"My wife couldn't come.She's got a headache."

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.

'I followed your husband yesterday. He spent the whole day following you.'

'We need to start dividing the housework for more peaceful marriages?' - What they'd say if they really wanted the women's vote.

Marriage Guidance - Give and Take

"Here's an idea. Why don't I just chop her head off?!"

'-and I think I can safely say,without fear of contradiction....'

'Actually we get along very well, it's the kids we can't stand.'

'Love is a rose... that's all we really know about it.'

"We took your advice and worked things out."

'I caught him at a pub walking around and asking women to 'embrace change'.'