Marriage Counselor Gifts

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

'If you want to save your marriage, tell each other you're sorry.' 'Youre sorry!'

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

'One second she's saying how sweet I am. The next, she's biting my head off.'

The End is Near...You Wish.

"He overreacts to everything!"

"What do you mean we don't communicate? I texted you last week."

'Whoa I never said I had ED. I said I had reptile dysfunction.'

'You have to learn how to communicate. Buy a pair of texting mobile phones and use them.'

'We're only staying together for the kids we hope to have one day.'

"Maybe you ought to consider making love in the morning - before you have a chance to piss each other off."

"No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement."

Seeing the marriage counselor.

'We are communicating better, but we are still not out of the woods.'

Relate 'She's got all the faults, yet I'm the one who's over-critical'

'And if my marriage counseling doesn't help, you'll be please to learn I'm also a divorce attorney!'

"I don't hate him because he's black. I hate him because he's my husband."

"He said 'Tomato.' I said, 'Did you just say something?' He said, 'Nevermind.' I said, 'No—WHAT?' He said, 'Skip it.' I said, 'For God's sake, just spit it out.' He said, '..."

"Oh, there's nothing really wrong with our marriage. We'd just like to figure out a way to monetize it."

"Look at you—folding the laundry two days before couples therapy."

Marriage counselor reading the newspaper: 'Try to listen to each other more. It won't be easy. You're not very interesting.'

'With him taking viagra and you taking prozac, I don't know what the problem could be...'

"Ever since you yelled at me I've been getting ads from divorce lawyers."

'Our marriage is built on trust and understanding - I don't trust her and she doesn't understand me.'

"I appreciate couples therapy, but I can't stop fantasizing about group therapy."

'You forgave her for that last week. When you forgive and forget you're not allowed to forget you forgave.'

"Go ahead. Tell me your troubles. I promise to say 'Awww' in all the right places."

'Really? My goodness, you learn something new every day in this job!'

Marriage Guidance - Give and Take

"We took your advice and worked things out."

'We need to start dividing the housework for more peaceful marriages?' - What they'd say if they really wanted the women's vote.

'-and I think I can safely say,without fear of contradiction....'

'Our marriage has been so successful because we are open to each others' points of view, and we always think for ourselves... isn't that right, honey?'

"Here's an idea. Why don't I just chop her head off?!"

Dan and Irene's 'communication problems' improve, thanks to Richard, their couples therapist.