Marital Counseling Gifts

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out this way."

'Oh, good, you convinced your husband to come in for counseling!'

'Look, can't you take it in turns to do the daily Sudoku?'

"After being married to a princess for 15 years I decided to change back into a frog!"

'I didn't even know she was angry until she started shooting.'

'I'm a perfectionist. I was perfectly happy when we were perfect strangers.'

"You never tell me anything. Keep up the good work."

'I'm finished with the towels so I left them on the floor. Now where can I leave my husband?'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"We don't talk anymore."

"We always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper."

"If we are not going to talk about the elephant, can we for the love of God, talk about the rhinoceros!"

"Have you considered telling each other to go to hell and getting a divorce?"

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

"Forget the children, consider staying together for the sake of your finances!"

"He somehow managed to show up for this, but the rest of the time I can never find him!"

"Aside from telling your daughter, 'I told you so', why are you here, Mrs. Sauer?"

"Don't worry, we'll try plan B."

"Basically we hate each other."

"Your domestic problems seem to be genetic due to the fact your parents reproduced."

"Are you trying to tell me something, dearest?"

"You've left me no choice. I'm calling in a Husband Whisperer."

"My husband says our marriage lacks spark."

'When did you start seeing all his endearing foibles as dreaded character flaws?'

'A real gentleman always carries an umbrella!'

'Tell me Jennifer, is there someone else?'

'Dear Henry, and dear Liza, for the sake of the relationship, just buy a new bucket!'

'Listen Martha, as my wife you shouldn't talk about your husband like that...'

'Have you considered telling each other to go to hell and getting a divorce?'

'You mean you DON'T accede to his every whim!?'

An indication that something is amiss...

'Is putting hostilities on hold over Xmas that hard. They even managed that during W.W.1.'

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'