Marital Adviser Gifts

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'

'What do you mean 'all my fault'?'

"Poor soul - he's been like that ever since he ran off with my wife..."

"Even cartoon women have needs!"

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"Well, you both sleep eighteen hours a day, so try to coordinate this to find a window for some quality time together..."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"...until death do you a favor."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

Wedding disaster #27.

Incompatible.

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

'I find that a live rhinoceros rather than an invisible elephant speeds things up considerably.'

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"