Marital Advice Seeker Gifts

"So you have a communication problem! Have you tried powerpoint?"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'Oh, did you say something, dear?'

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Why not give it another 24 hours?"

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

Parson and abandoned husband

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

Cricketer goes for marriage guidance

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

"It's not what you think."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"He just married me on the rebound."

"You've reached Randy, the dating doctor. What ails you?"

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

Ask Sadie is back. You're on, caller. What's your problem? My wife finally answered my emails. She wants me back. She says she's sorry she left me for her personal trainer. She said making mad, passionate love to him has become unfulfilling. She said she's tired of the excitement, tired of his fancy house, tired of the lavish trips around the world, and tired of him not snoring like a jackhammer, like I always do. Let go and move on, you ninny!!! She said she's especially tired of his ability to

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"I never said 'I love you'. I said 'I love ya'. Big difference!"

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'If you weren't afraid to commit, you'd CARVE it, not use a pencil.'

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

'It's nothing serious. My wife and I just had a little tiff.' (Marriage counselor covered in bruises, cuts and bandages).