Marital Wisdom Seeker Gifts

Parson and abandoned husband

Avoid alimony, stay single or stay married.

"I've been married a long time. I come here to finish my own sentences."

"No matter how sincerely you apologise to your wife, the answer is always the same: 'It's too late now.'"

"My wife drives me to drink."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

This is forever... till death do us part...

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"We didn't spend much time together when we first got married, so we're making up for lost time. We now have a date night 300 days a year."

Cricketer goes for marriage guidance

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

'I can't talk to my wife - all she says is `Baaah! Baaah!`!

'What do you mean, our marriage license has expired?'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'Do you, Edward, promise to play second fiddle and also pay the piper?'

'Let's at least give the parabolic mattress a try - the Thompsons swear it saved their marriage.'

"So you have a communication problem! Have you tried powerpoint?"

"I investigated your husband, Mrs Adams. He isn't cheating on you. In fact, I'm your husband. We've just really lost touch recently."

"And just like that, Greg's snoring stopped..."

"Actually, that doesn't constitute a crime; but I do hope your wife returns your hopes and dreams."

"Even after all these years, I still find it very exciting using my vote to cancel out your father's."

"I'm not withholding. I'm busy."

'It's nice to see that some marriages really are made in heaven.'

"So you both think each other is an idiot. . . who said we wouldn't find some common ground?"

Hold on - for relationship questions, you'll want to see my wife.

"You need a husband transplant"

"Hey, I'm in the mood for love—be back in a few hours."

'No, you can't speak to my husband. He's sitting on the naughty step.'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'