Marriage Analysts Gifts

"Roger's doing really well, I figure he's two promotions away from being worth divorcing."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"You just said, ‘And then I killed my first and second husbands.’ ... Let's explore that."

"He just married me on the rebound."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

"Honey, I'm home."

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"I had a hell a time choosing which wine went with your unrealistic expectation of me."

"Just remember, the number one reason for divorce is marriage."

"Since when did they start putting perfume in aerosol cans?"

"We usually get along, but when we don't, we fight like, um...well, you know."

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

'He is so lazy,I even had to get a man in to cut our wedding cake.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

'Nothing grows in the shade.'

"Well, if you'd married a dentist like I wanted, maybe HE could explain Bluetooth to me!"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

'Find out if she would have like me if I hadn't asked so many people.'

"...for better OR worse, not AND."

"I'm writig a novel using our marriage as inspiration. It's called, 'This Sucks.'"

"My wife finds it natural to nag, so if you hear that I died of natural causes, you'll know why."

"I do too communicate. I just asked you where the do-dad is to fix the what-cha-ma-call-it!"

'Marry me, Linda. Two can live more cheaply than one.'

He'd often look back and wonder what went wrong. She'd catch him sometimes and call the police.

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

"Don't you think we've done enough 'begetting'?"