Married Life Analyst Gifts

"I had a hell a time choosing which wine went with your unrealistic expectation of me."

"Honey, I'm home."

'I'm on sick leave, but my wife can't stand having me around the house.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Crap from the future.

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

Modern Life Blues

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

'Don't be so sensitive,I only dozed of for a moment.'

"I need a more interactive you."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"You just said, ‘And then I killed my first and second husbands.’ ... Let's explore that."

"Do you mind if I not listen while you talk?"

'Unlike Wall Street, with its strict rules regulating insider trading, 'Love Street' remains un-regulated, and I'm pleases to let you know now, before the official announcement, that the position of Rolf Fusco's girlfriend is open.'

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"Very funny."

Mrs. Almighty.

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

"I gave up on finding Mr. Right and settled for Mr. Chocolate!"

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

Street sign: 'Life gets even more complicated here to corner.'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

"He looks so natural."

'Harriet just became a senior, but she's an oldie, but goodie.'

'I've no problem finding my wife's erogenous zone. It's my wallet.'

"I signed up for 'Dressage Without the Horse.'"

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

'You were a boring accountant in ten previous lives.'

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

TV on demand

"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."

"My wife finds it natural to nag, so if you hear that I died of natural causes, you'll know why."