Marital Analyst Gifts

'I took an early retirement - she took an early divorce.'

"I'll say this for Richard - he's anatomically correct."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Frigid - who's frigid? - just ask Alistair and Simon and Brett and that chap who came to fix the blinds.'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Newlyweds. . . 10 Years Married. . . 25 Years Married. . . 50+ Years Married.

"Check it out! In nature, females are in charge...they select their mates!"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

"You just said, ‘And then I killed my first and second husbands.’ ... Let's explore that."

"It's not what you think."

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

"Honey, I'm home."

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

The Giant Guardsman Chapters IX and x.

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

"I had a hell a time choosing which wine went with your unrealistic expectation of me."

'It's nothing serious. My wife and I just had a little tiff.' (Marriage counselor covered in bruises, cuts and bandages).

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"We started to communicate and found out we had nothing in common!"

'Oh dear. My husband looks suspicious.'

'He always leads with his chin! Is that my fault?'

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

"You have irritable-spouse syndrome."

'It's your wife!'

'Maybe your wife doesn't understand you, because you don't make any sense!'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"I'm writig a novel using our marriage as inspiration. It's called, 'This Sucks.'"

"My wife finds it natural to nag, so if you hear that I died of natural causes, you'll know why."

"Darling, let's forget all those things we said about each other on Sally, Oprah and Joan Rivers."

"How can we have an intelligent conversation if you keep interrupting me?!"