Comedic Marriage Analyst Gifts

'I wear the pants in this family!'

"... And to think, I actually got my best friend to ask him to go out with me!"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

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"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Is man a social animal? - 'As a married man, the short answer is no.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"You don't have to say anthing, but anything you do say may later be used in court by a divorce lawyer."

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'...and he hogs the sunny spot!'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

"Honey, I'm home."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

You are cordially invited...

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"