Comedic Marriage Analyst Gifts

'I wear the pants in this family!'

"... And to think, I actually got my best friend to ask him to go out with me!"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

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"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Is man a social animal? - 'As a married man, the short answer is no.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"No, no - that's not the company sales, that's my marriage."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"You don't have to say anthing, but anything you do say may later be used in court by a divorce lawyer."

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

A Man Visits A Doctor To Ask About Marriage.

'...and he hogs the sunny spot!'

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

"Honey, I'm home."

You are cordially invited...

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'