Comedic Marriage Enthusiast Gifts

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'