Marriage Comedy Enthusiast Gifts

"I got my wife some flowers for Valentine's Day...she has hay fever."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"You call that worrying?"

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.