Marriage Comedy Fan Gifts

"I treat you like a dog, Henry, because you are a dog."

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"...and will you, Elaine, promise never to shock Harold by holding your ice cold feet surprisingly against his naked belly?"

'Look, if you're going to keep nagging me, this isn't going to work.'

Woman manipulating her man

"Not only, she drives me crazy - she found me a car pool!"

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"Yes ... no!"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'The coalition of the willing.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

“Stop avoiding me. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you are awake.”

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"One more word from you and I am leaving home."

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

'...and he hogs the sunny spot!'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

That Pesky 'Why' Chromosome.

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'