Light-hearted Marital Humor Fan Gifts

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"No heroic measures."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"