Marital Comedy Fan Gifts

'He's choosy about wine - only large bottles will do.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Yes ... no!"

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"No heroic measures."

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

“Stop avoiding me. I know when you are sleeping. I know when you are awake.”

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"Don't you dare try to sneak out of this cartoon!"

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"One more word from you and I am leaving home."

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

That Pesky 'Why' Chromosome.

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'

"I'll be back – I'm going to run from my emotions."