Marital Comedy Gifts

'Good news, Walter...I found the bullets.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'