Marital Comedian Gifts

"Don't you dare try to sneak out of this cartoon!"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'I remember when you used to say the things you don't mean with more meaning.'

Man to nose-covering wife: 'I wonder if T. Boone Pickens has an energy use for my natural gas.'

'My wife and I never quarrel...when we disagree on anything, she foes her way and I go her way.'

"Sorry about those. My husband always cuts his nails in bed."

"You might as well answer me, Henry. I know you're in there."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"You call that worrying?"

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'