Married Comedian Gifts

"Dinner will be ready when it cools down."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"You call that worrying?"

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'