Married Comedian Gifts

"Dinner will be ready when it cools down."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"You call that worrying?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'