Married Humorist Gifts

"Would you like me to drive from the front seat or the back seat?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"You call that worrying?"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"No heroic measures."