Marriage Humorist Gifts

"I'm sorry dear - I've lost the little ball down the little hole again."

'According to my wife, I snore, and one of these nights I may stop breathing.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'His last words were, 'Yes, Dear, those jeans make you look fat.''

'Don and I rarely fight. Then again, we rarely talk.'

'Sure I remember our 20th wedding anniversary - that was the year Denver beat Atlanta....'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

"And with this, nuptial contract, independent inventory and itemised bill...I thee wed."

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

'That one was taken on our wedding day, when he was young, handsome and in love. That other one was taken when he was older, more mature and a pain in the neck.'

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

'Divorce? Heavens, no. I have a 30 year fixed marriage.'

'Cool, a wheel. Now you can take me shopping.'

Nothing's quite as painful as spotting your wife out on the town with your so-called "best friend".

"Yes, insomnia, anxiety and irritability are side effects...of being married."

"Our lives are so predictable." - "I knew you were going to say that."

'We'd make a perfect team, if it wasn't for You!'

"Believe me, Janet, I consider you an important part of our marriage."

'He's been married three times. Talk about 'recycled'...'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'You CAN change a man, but then they divorce you, remarry and the new wife reaps all the benefits.'

'I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. Martin was a floor model.'

"I'm not leaving you- I'm just thinking about it."

"I am therefore stepping down to spend more time with my family—but not with my wife, Tammy, who can be really annoying."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"Good news, hon - I've sold the ancillary rights to our marriage."

'Cool! Multiple choice.'

"Your new normal is my old repugnant."

'And do you promise to not only talk the talk, but also walk the walk?'

A bride and groom at the altar.

Husband and wife shooting

Every wife's dream conversation.

'If you wanted to swim against the flow you should have married a salmon.'

'I can read him like a book. Pity it wasn't a library book, then I could take him back!'

Wife gets rid of husband's distraction.