Marriage Humorists Gifts

"Do you still have the receipt from your wedding?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Whose idea was it to have a comments section?"

'My first wife - mounted many times but only stuffed the once.'

"Freddie really loves me. He didn't just put a ring on my finger. He also banded my leg."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

His and Hers Wedding

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Let's take in a trial."