Marriage Humorists Pillows

"Do you still have the receipt from your wedding?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Whose idea was it to have a comments section?"

'My first wife - mounted many times but only stuffed the once.'

"Freddie really loves me. He didn't just put a ring on my finger. He also banded my leg."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

His and Hers Wedding

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."