Humorist In Marriage Pillows

'My life is so awesome! I've got a starter job, starter house and a starter husband.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

His and Hers Wedding

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Remember, they're just as afraid of you as you are of standing up to your mother."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.