Humorist In Marriage Gifts

'My life is so awesome! I've got a starter job, starter house and a starter husband.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

His and Hers Wedding

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Remember, they're just as afraid of you as you are of standing up to your mother."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"No heroic measures."