Marital Situation Humorist Gifts

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"You call that worrying?"