Matrimonial Humorist Gifts

'Wow. . . my very first husband. . .'

'Do you, Robert, take Amanda to be your fifth lawfully wedded wife?'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'