Matrimony Humorist Gifts

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

The Aisle

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."