Married Life Humorist Gifts

'You're not yourself today. To what do I owe this unique pleasure?'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Quit hogging the covers!"

"Is the light bothering you?"

'You look silly in tank tops, Stephen. I don't care if sunshine on your shoulders makes you happy.'

'Here's our wedding photo Mabel. Is that ID enough?'

"Wouldn't it be nice if, just occasionally, he would go AWOL?"

"Can't this wait 'till I get home, honey?"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"No heroic measures."