Married Life Humorist Gifts

'You're not yourself today. To what do I owe this unique pleasure?'

"Don't like your present? Fine. Give it to me - I'll wear the diamond earrings."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Quit hogging the covers!"

"Is the light bothering you?"

'You look silly in tank tops, Stephen. I don't care if sunshine on your shoulders makes you happy.'

'Here's our wedding photo Mabel. Is that ID enough?'

"Wouldn't it be nice if, just occasionally, he would go AWOL?"

"Can't this wait 'till I get home, honey?"

"Dig in. It won't move anymore."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'