Married Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'We've got a special relationship, we don't communicate with each other but have sex on demand'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'