Married Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'We've got a special relationship, we don't communicate with each other but have sex on demand'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"No heroic measures."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

'I wonder how my husband is managing at the construction site with my gavel.'

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'