Marital Comedy Enthusiast Pillows

'I don't care if he takes the pressure off of you when we talk -- get rid of the co-host!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"You call that worrying?"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"